Dreams For Days
In virtue of the slew of emails asking 1) If I am dead or 2) If I am near death, I’m all about jumping back on the bandwagon that is Toughnight and telling you all about my pretty feeble attempts at being an adult. Every day. Hopefully.
I went on a lot of dates and they didn’t amount to anything. I was never very good at following through.
I watched Fight Club again recently and Edward Norton reminds me so much of a mix between two boys that I once dated (not at the same time), that the film was ruined for me. Every scene was me reminded of their contracted, climatic faces. Reel it in, I think I would say to myself if I was sixteen looking at twenty-three. What’s that saying? Nobody wants to buy the icecream truck if you’re giving away the popsicles for free. Except that’s all I have, popsicles. Popsicles are a summertime novelty, something to eat on the street for everybody to see. It’s been raining for the past week, I’m inside of an overbearing Autumn with all of these goddamn popsicles.
I’m allergic to dairy, also.
I had a revelation regarding loneliness recently, I hope some of you have already gotten this, or not. I hope nobody else is lonely. It’s not the lack of human bodies in my life, of these I have plenty, sometimes it is awe-inspiring to think of all these lives going on around mine, intersecting each other like highway streets. Mine is perpetually undergoing road-works, maybe, but even the guys in the high-visibility vests aren’t saying it’s for the best, they have no idea what they’re doing. Regardless, I have these streets, so many streets I could go down if I felt the need but it is so rare for me to find someone I connect with.
The word ‘connect’ doesn’t convey exactly the meaning I am trying to. Of these few people I ‘connect’ with, one is a family member. Two are high functioning, only one shares my constant irregularity. And that’s it, at the end of the day (I’ve lost track of time though, so, when is that, really?). When I’m lying in bed at 1am with my hands thrumming against themselves and my body reeling with the shock of another wasted day, I have four people and only one of them isn’t likely to be sleeping.
Lonely – Sad because without friends or company.
Well, that’s not the word I am looking for, then, is it?