All Of My Little Black Books I
Friday 22/July/2011 1:33pm (This Time Last Year).
Joints are aching at 5pm, still in bed. Sheets clutching on to her scent with their numb fingertips, but more so mine- the heady smoked sweat and toxic breath. Shower while the jug is boiling, skin is tight across swollen cheeks, mealy marble eyes. Black coffee, Revolution! The bag announces. I stay silent, strut for cigarettes, feel no pull into the almost empty local coffee house. And I feel sickened, smoke on the inside. On the inside, on the inside.
Plans are made, leave again. Bus smells like candy, smells like the mornings before school. Too many places to swill in town. Too many options, always.
Smile. Smile to myself. Think of him (not her), again. My Mother’s place, fireplace and horror film. I want to die occasionally. I eat a lot, want to feel my bones. I want his sinewy skin.
My Mother has a bowl of terrible apples on her dining room table. I have smears of lipstick on my eyelids. I am fairly sure my Mother doesn’t like apples, this notion is approved by their slightly leathery skin. They shrink beneath their exteriors, I dwell on that ideal.
Sometimes I sleep too long. It is often twelve hours or more. My joints throb, my lips and eyes seem content to lick together. My motivation is dainty, it sits between my fingers, resides under my nails. Dormant. I let it sit, I am futureless at times.
I don’t know how they do it. People, in jobs, people on the street, clicking the ground in self-importance. It’s like they run their baths with positivity every evening, they bathe in it.