And In Hospitals.
I do like hospitals. If parts of you were to crease and fail in the waiting room, you’d be closer to safe than at home in the arms of someone you love. Yet I’m waiting for over an hour for someone to take this spidery tube out of my arm so I can walk home, thrumming my fingers on the opposite wrist. Each time I look at it my stomach flinches. The nurse misplaced the vein, apologising, and I felt jinxed but also at fault. I suppose the last few days have seemed fairy bloodless. Breathe, I’m Not Doing It On Purpose, I Promise. And she laughs.
Trust my heart to be wonky. My own jumpy love is just a symptom, I look at the x-rays they take and do not see any of myself or anybody else in the dirty outline, but there it is. The monitor keeps extending angry fingers out, terse insults and flashing PVC on the screen, which means Premature Ventricular Contraction.
My heart is jumping the gun, beating twice then pausing. It’s in the pause I recognise it as unequivocally me, there is no doubting you are mine.
Across the hall somewhere a young man’s wailing upsets me each time it starts up. He’s reverted to the extremes of youth and his cries are raw, gaudy and animalistic. This happens three times before the emergency bells start bleating and somebody yells for a trolley. Hearing other people in pain seems to tighten a band around my lungs, I keep wincing long after he’s pulled away.
And it’s around 4am when the sloppy teenagers begin trickling in and my phone vibrating in my pocket, this Irish guy wanting to take me home. I leave by myself instead, watching a young guy on a gurney being kissed by a young girl in a little skirt. There’s something strangely happy in that.
Come home to wake still with these meditrace stickers scattered across my chest and this bruise on the inside of my elbow that makes me feel a lot more innocent than I am.
No drugs, no caffeine, no alcohol, no cigarettes, no added sugar or salt. I keep on staring at this x-ray I have of my heart and imagining its earnest contractions as they happen.
We are doing our best.